Culture Challenge of the Week: Underperforming Dads

The following is taken from an email from Rebekah Hagelin's "30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family"

One of the saddest comments I've ever heard came from an embittered college student named Carly: "He's not my dad.  He's just a sperm donor."  

She didn't mean it literally. Her mom and dad were married and had two kids, Carly and a younger brother. But, Carly felt every bit as abandoned as a child who'd never known her father. 

Why? Because her dad was rarely home. He worked hard. But, putting together high-stakes financial deals had always seemed to crowd-out time for ordinary things, like dinner with Carly and her brother. He filled the kids' college funds, but was never there to drive Carly to high school band practice or performances, or help her brother choose the right baseball glove. 

His words of love rang hollow. Years of hurtful neglect -- in spite of material comfort -- had hardened Carly's heart to the point that she didn't care anymore. At least that's what she told herself. 

She'd given up on her father's love.

I thought of Carly's story as I look ahead to Sunday's celebration of Father's Day.  What do kids need most from their dads? 

Research shows clearly how important fathers are in a child's life.  Children raised in homes without a father -- currently about one-third of all U.S. children -- are more likely to be poor, or suffer health problems. They are more likely to underperform in school, get in trouble with the law, and engage in high-risk behaviors (teen sex, drinking, and drugs). But, even children who have a father "present" may experience "father-hunger" -- with consequences for their emotional health, and eventual success in life. 

On the flip side, children whose fathers are emotionally available and responsive fare better as adults than children whose fathers are not.

I asked a seasoned Dad I know for his perspective, and it made sense of Carly's anguish. 

"What kids need from their fathers is their ‘daily bread,'" he said. "Like God -- our Father -- does for us, we need to give our kids what they need to thrive as human beings today, not in some far-off future."

Wise words.  Love must be practical.  Words alone won't feed a child hungry for her "daily bread."     

How to Save Your Family: Be a Provident Dad

A provident dad -- one who provides ‘daily bread' -- inspires trust, affection, gratitude, and love. A child well provided for -- emotionally, spiritually, and physically -- is a child who feels loved. 

So, what does that mean, practically? 

First, "providing well" does not require wealth, nor does it mean fulfilling every wish, or material desire our kids have.

It starts by providing spiritually: pray daily for your children.  If you don't, who will?  Shepherd them firmly, daily, in character growth.  Choose a virtue for your child to work on.  Encourage them as they try to live it, and pray for the wisdom to know which faults to overlook for today.

Second, provide emotionally. Fill their "love tanks" daily, as author Ross Campbell says in his timeless classic, How to Really Love Your Child.  Send a message of love each day by spending one-on-one time, giving physical affection, and making eye contact (with your child, not your smartphone, when your child is speaking).

Third, tend to their daily concerns.  Is the football try-out coming up? Get out there in the 95-degree heat and help your son master a spiral. Do they have a big test tomorrow? Offer to review the material with your daughter; quiz her, or simply tell her you'll pray for her while she takes it.

Fourth, ask other, more experienced dads to share the tips and strategies that have helped them be good dads.  "The Awesome Dad Cheat Sheet" is a great list, written by a father of six, full of practical, time-tested tips to help you be the father your children need.

Finally, just be there. Presence matters.  

You are, after all, irreplaceable.

------

Children need their fathers. And, they need him for more than just teaching how to throw a baseball, or how to bait a hook for fishing. Fathers are there to be spiritual leaders in the household. Just as we look to our Heavenly Father for guidance and comfort, children look to their fathers for the same. However, they can only be that leader when they take an active role in the lives of their children. 

Warmly,

Rebecca

P.S. - If you know someone who would like this message on the role of fathers, please send it to them using the "Forward to a Friend" tool below. You can also encourage them to sign up for their own newsletter at www.HowToSaveYourFamily.com.


Walter's Two Cents

I've been talking to quite a few dads lately and they have been asking me the same thing, "how do I balance everything?"  I don't have the answer!  I suffer from the same thing.  How do I balance my marriage, my family, my ministry, my job?  I DON'T KNOW!!!  The one thing I do know is I have to do it better than I am now.  We all get discouraged thinking we're the worst dad ever.  The best advice I can give is talk to your wife, your kids, and some older Godly men.  If you do have suggestions please share them with the rest of us.

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"COURAGEOUS" the Movie - Update & Trailer

I'm still waiting to here the theaters that "Courageous" will be in.  Please keeping checking back.  The trailer looks great, take a look.

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And Now for Your Viewing Pleasure…

When I was a kid, my dad would always bring home pizza every Friday night after work.  We would stay up ‘til 1am watching old TV shows.  Anybody know what TV show Bob Denver starred in before “Gilligan’s Island”?  The old shows would start with the main characters doing a little commercial.  Each show had a special product that they would hock.  For George Burns and Gracie Allen it was Carnation Milk, Jack Benny was Jello, Ozzie and Harriett was Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix, Groucho Marx was Prom Shampoo, and even Yogi Bear hocked Kellogg’s Corn Flakes.  Anyway, they would finish up with their commercial and then they would say “and now for your viewing pleasure”.  Great now the program was starting!  That’s a good memory.

A lot of us guys have used the same phrase for the start of summer.  And now for your viewing pleasure we present short-shorts, low-cut tops, bikinis, etc.  Summertime can be tough on a guy trying to live Christlike.  The O’Kaysions made it an official pastime in 1959 with what else “Girl Watcher”

I'm a girl watcher

I'm a girl watcher

Watchin' girls go by

My, my, my

I'm a girl watcher

I'm a girl watcher

Here comes one now

Mmmm, mmm, mmm

I was just a boy

When I threw away my toys

I found a new pastime

To dwell on

Whenever I detect

Members of the other sex

I play the game I do so well, oh

I'm a girl watcher

I'm a girl watcher

Watchin' girls go by

My, my, my

I'm a girl watcher

I'm a girl watcher

Here comes one now

Hello there, female

My, my, but you do look swell

Could you please walk

A little slower

I wonder if you know

That you're putting on a show

Could you please walk

A little closer

I'm a girl watcher

I'm a girl watcher

Watchin' girls go by

My, my, my

I'm a girl watcher

I'm a girl watcher

Here comes one now

Mmm, mmm, mmm

Okay let’s get all of the rationalizations out of the way right now.

·   I’m just window-shopping.

·   God wants us to enjoy His creation.

·   I’m just looking, it’s not like I’m going to sleep with her.

·   If she didn’t want me to look she wouldn’t dress that way.

·   Looking never hurt anyone.

Now that we got that out of our system let’s take a look at King David.  2 Samuel 11:1 starts the story of David enjoying a little girl watching.  (vs. 1) Instead of being with his men David is just lounging around the palace. (vs 2) David can’t sleep so he takes a walk on the roof and there is where he got a look at naked Bathsheba.  Now I’ve always taken the philosophy even up to this point David hasn’t done anything wrong.  We’ve all seen things that we didn’t mean to see (internet pop-ups) and that’s not our fault, right?  If we’re on a risky website we certainly greaten our chance of seeing the wrong kind of pop-up.  So if we we’re where we shouldn’t be in the first place, yeah, that’s wrong.  Back to David on the roof.  Did I mention Bathsheba was naked?  It seems that part kind of stuck with David too because he sent for her.  (vs. 4)  David goes from taking a walk to sleeping with one of his general’s wife. I’ll let you read the rest of the story 2 Samuel 11:5 – 12:23.  Shall we go back to the list above?  Just looking, doesn’t hurt anyone.  Have you ever asked your wife if she feels hurt when you look at other women?  I’m guessing the answer would be YES!  Do you think she may feel like Uriah with a spear through her heart?

Again we’re only looking we’re not going to sleep with her.  Remember the statement from a famous person, “depends on what is, is”.  Sleep with her, sex, adultery that’s the line, right?  Old Testament law agrees, Leviticus 20:10 “If there is a man who commits adultery with another man’s wife, one who commits adultery with his friend’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.”  There you go, it’s the act of having sex with someone not your wife! That’s the sin!  Okay as long as we don’t take it that far we’re okay. 

Wait a minute, God wasn’t finished talking to us when Leviticus was written.  He still has plenty to say in the New Testament.  Let’s take a look at Matthew 5.  Jesus has just finished picking His disciples and a crowd starts to gather.  He goes to the mountaintop to speak to them; we know this as the “Sermon on the Mount”.  Jesus starts to reveal new teachings.  It’s not only the act but it’s also the heart attitude.  (vs.21) Jesus starts with us angry people.  “You have heard that the ancients were told ‘You shall not commit murder’”.  (vs. 22) “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court...”  He continues to look into our hearts.  (vs 27-28) “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  Guess what, looking is a sin too!

Guys we have to watch out for what we’re watching.  It doesn’t take long for the “and now for your viewing pleasure” attitude to care control of us and lead us down a very dark path.  The next time you think that just a look won’t hurt anyone, remember where it took David.

~Walter E. Homan

Could Marvin Gaye Be Right?

Have you ever noticed that your attitude can affect your whole household?  I’m speaking more to husbands and fathers, but all of our attitudes affect everyone.  When I have a lousy day at work or I come home to screaming kids, how to I react?  Normally scream at everyone and mope around. 

Does it help anyone or any situation when I get angry?  Not normally, it normally goes from bad to worse.  Check out these lyrics.

Anger

By Marvin Gaye 1978

Up and down my back, my spine, in my brain
It injures me, babe....

Anger, can make you old, yes it can
I said anger, can make you sick, children... oh Jesus
Anger destroys your soul
Rage, there's no room for rage in there
There's no room for rage in here
line up some place to go to be mad
It's a sin to treat your body bad

When anger really gets the best of us
We've really lost our heads
We often say a lof of things, oh darlin'
Wish we'd never said
Oh, reason is beyond control
And the things we do spite
Makes me ashamed
And I mean this, baby, makes me want to the things right

Someday soon I hope and pray like Jesus
I'll reach that wiser age
Hope I will learn I really never never profit
From things I do in rage

One more time-anger, more ager
When it's flaming hot
Anger burns to the bitter end
Know what i'm talkin' 'bout
When it cools I find out too late
I have lost at love, love, love, dear friend
I said, anger will make you sick,
children, oh Jesus
Anger destroys your soul

I ain't gonna let you get the best of me, babe
I'm gonna go somewhere and cool
This is not the way my head's supposed to be, babe
You've got me feelin' like some silly fool
But I know a real nice place where I can go
And feel the way I’m supposed to feel

I don't want to be mad at nobody
I don't want to be feelin' bad
Up and down my back, my spine, in my brain
It injures me, babe

Anger, can make you old, yes it can
I said anger will make you sick, children, oh Jesus
Anger destroys your soul
Anger
Anger

It seems to me that Marvin Gaye has a pretty good understanding of the cost of anger.

The funny thing is, it really bothers me when people are angry with me.  I mean why can’t they just show me some mercy?  Oh, mercy!  Maybe I should give that a try myself.  Christ has every reason to be angry with me, yet He freely gives me mercy.  I can’t think of one person who has wronged me as much as I have wronged God.  I guessing that no one has ever gotten an ulcer from mercy either.

God help me to grant as much mercy as you have granted me!

~Walter E. Homan

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Walter
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Passive Husbands are Killing Their Wives

I hope you were able to see Mark Shaw at either Blessed Hope Community Church or Gateway Christian Church in the beginning of April.  Mark i spart of a Christian counceling group in Alabama called Truth in Love Ministries.  To be honest it wasn't what I was expecting but I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I also learned a lot.  Thanks Mark!

I was reading through his blog and found this great article that really hit home with me.  I was a passive husband/father for years until I finally realized what I was doing to me family.  Here's Mark's article:

The epidemic I see most often in biblical marriage counseling cases I am privileged to serve in are passive husbands and assertive wives. The two go hand in hand, unfortunatlely, and I blame the husband for much of this problem (though wives are not totally without some blame).

Most Christian men I counsel in marriage counseling are...(read the rest)

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Walter
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Enjoy Life with Your Wife

This was posted on the Men of Armor" website the other day.

Encouragement proof text of the day….
Ecclesiastes 9:9
Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun.

 The verse starts off amazingly sweet, doesn’t it?

(read the rest)

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Walter
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Balancing the Budget

If you’ve seen the news in the last few weeks, the United States government is about to shut down.  We are just days away from the budget deadline and if it passes before a new budget is voted on and passed, the government will be out of money.  Now the President and the Republican leadership in the House are going back and forth trying to prove who has the better plan and blaming the other for this crisis.  Politics aside, everyone knows that in order to balance any budget you can’t spend more than you take in.  Our government has had this backwards for years so don’t expect too much from the next vote.

Like I said, to balance a budget you need at least an equal amount of deposits to balance your withdraws.  The other night I heard a metaphor for budgets and marriage.  It is called Emotional Bank Account.  I know, I know anything that starts off with the word EMOTIONAL you want to run from.  So do I, normally, but this really makes a lot of sense.  A bank account has deposits and withdraws.  What if you withdraw more than you’ve deposited?  You have a deficit!  For years we’ve almost joked about our national dept, but someday someone is going to have to pay up.  You can’t run a deficit forever.

So how this concept works is really pretty simple.  Deposits build up your wife and withdraws tear her down.  There is one caveat to this.  Normally when you have a bank account the deposits will benefit you by means of interest or just more money.  In this case you can’t think that way.  In this account you can only be concerned with how your deposits will benefit your wife. 

What sides of the ledger to the following situations fall?

·   You come home from work and scream from the front door, “Why isn’t dinner on the table I’m starving?”	Deposit or Withdraw
·   You come home from work and notice that dinner isn’t ready.  You walk up to your wife kiss her on the neck and ask, “How can I help?”	Deposit or Withdraw

By no means am I a rocket scientists but I think I can figure these out.  In my 21+ years married and starting to get this stuff, but in all honesty it normally takes me picking the wrong way first.  After the cold draft starts I get to thinking, it would have probably gone better had I handled that differently.  One thing that I am constantly reminded of is women are wired way different then men.  What most guys and me would think is almost always the direct opposite of the way most women think. 

1 Peter 3:7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.  Understanding way?  This makes me think that women were as confusing to men in New Testament times as they are to us now.  So how do we “live in an understanding way?”  I hate this part, we have to study them.  Your going to hate this one too, ask them what they mean when they start using that foreign language womanese. 

Between some of the good messages I’ve heard lately and the book I’m currently reading, For Men Only! I’m starting to learn how to make a few deposits.  Here are a few ways I’m learning to make deposits with my wife; maybe your wife would like them too.

·   Plan a date night.  Not just once but make it a regular part of your schedule.  I always thought this was just a nice, once in awhile thing, then I learned that she really wants this more often.

·   Find ways to give her a break from the kids.  Whether it’s encouraging her to go out with friends or a ladies Bible study but something.  When doing this, be happy.  If you act begrudgingly to her going she will count this as a withdraw.  I thought I was doing her a favor and I wanted her to know that, then I learned if she leaves while I’m acting like a 2 year old she’ll be thinking about that all night and she won’t enjoy herself.

·   Value her more than money.  We all want to be good providers, work extra hours, take on second jobs; then I learned she would rather have less stuff and have me around the house with her and the kids more.

·   Make sure she knows I love her unconditionally.  I don’t remember doing this, but my wife tells me in an argument several years ago I told her she needed to loose some weight. Then I learned how self-conscious women are about their bodies.  With all the Photoshopped magazines and billboards out there my wife needs to know that I accept her as she is.

·   Listen to her without distractions.  I always “listened” to her while she was talking, and then I learned I couldn’t do this effectively while sitting in front of the tv, computer, etc.

·   Be understanding when she’s not interested in being intimate.  Guys have needs and desires right! Then I learned that women’s motors aren’t revved up all the time like guys.  She needs to be pursued all the time not just when I’m in the mood.

By the way, “then I learned” is code for “after I messed this up I learned…”

So how is your wife’s account been lately?  Have you made more deposits than withdraws?  Is she running a deficit?  I know I still have a lot of work to do.

~Walter E. Homan

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Walter
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The Importance of Fathers

I just came across this blog post by Douglas Wilson.  Why does our society beat up on fathers so much?

Most boys growing up need to be taught their strength, as when they are horsing around with their younger siblings. They are bigger, stronger, and much more influential let us say, than they think they are. But this need for teaching this lesson doesn't disappear when boys get past the horsing around stage. In their families, men are much more important, crucial and influential than they believe themselves to be. It is the easiest thing in the world for a man to grow up, get married, have kids, and still think of himself the way he did when he was a boy. He believes... (read the rest)

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Walter
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Rest

Rest has different meanings to different people.  To some it’s a get away from work to hiking, biking, paintballing or some other activity.  To others rest is laying in a hammock.  No matter what your definition, we need rest.

I have a laptop so I can be working no matter where I am.  I use a pda so I can be working no matter where I am.  I have a cell phone so I can be working no matter where I am.  Is anyone seeing a pattern here?  It’s good to be active and God commands us to work, but to what degree?  Genesis 2:2 “By the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done.”  God rested!  If I’m looking at this right, the Creator of the universe put aside His busy schedule and rested.  What are we doing that is so important that we can’t rest? 

Insert your own list here. 

Here’s mine:

·      Work at work

·      Work at building my own business

·      Work at church

·      Work on my house

·      Work at being a better dad

·      Work at being a better husband

Here’s the really sad part, this is the order that they came to my mind.  I think I have some priority issues.

Work is good.  Work provides for our families.  Work helps society.  Work helps ministries.  Work fights idle hands that would wonder into sin. 

Too much work drains us.  Too much work puts our marriages and families at risk.  Too much work puts our health at risk.  Too much work messes up our priorities.  Too much work makes us weak against Satan’s temptings.

What would happen if we didn't sleep?

A good way to understand the role of sleep is to look at what would happen if we didn't sleep. Lack of sleep has serious effects on our brain's ability to function. If you've ever pulled an all-nighter, you'll be familiar with the following after-effects: grumpiness, grogginess, irritability and forgetfulness. After just one night without sleep, concentration becomes more difficult and attention span shortens considerably.

With continued lack of sufficient sleep, the part of the brain that controls language, memory, planning and sense of time is severely affected, practically shutting down. In fact, 17 hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol level of 0.05% (two glasses of wine). This is the legal drink driving limit in the UK.

Research also shows that sleep-deprived individuals often have difficulty in responding to rapidly changing situations and making rational judgments. In real life situations, the consequences are grave and lack of sleep is said to have been be a contributory factor to a number of international disasters such as Exxon Valdez, Chernobyl, Three Mile Island and the Challenger shuttle explosion.

Sleep deprivation not only has a major impact on cognitive functioning but also on emotional and physical health. Disorders such as sleep apnoea which result in excessive daytime sleepiness have been linked to stress and high blood pressure. Research has also suggested that sleep loss may increase the risk of obesity because chemicals and hormones that play a key role in controlling appetite and weight gain are released during sleep.

(The Science of Sleep, BBC, http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/articles/whatissleep.shtml)

I think God knocked me down a few pegs this week.  I just couldn’t function.  I ended up with a high fever and my body just shut down until I got the rest I needed to recover. 

Ecc. 5:12 “The sleep of the working man is pleasant…”

~Walter E. Homan

Why I'm Not Getting an iPhone | Plugged In Online Up Front

I hope all of you are familiar with Plugged In.   If your not, let me give you a short bio.  Plugged In is the media wing of Focus on the Family.  They research and write reviews for movies in the theater, dvds, music, video games, etc.  Occasionally they will also write an editorial mostly on media or technology issues.

I'm on Plugged In's email list and they had a great article in it this week.

Why I'm Not Getting an iPhone | Plugged In Online Up Front by Adam R. Holz

One of my most memorable bouts with techno-lust happened in late 2005. My wife and I were visiting relatives over Thanksgiving, and a cousin's boyfriend had gotten his hands on the just-released fifth-generation iPod … the first with video capability.

"Ooooohhhhhh," I cooed. "That's cool!" Never mind that I already had an iPod of my own. This was drool-worthy. This had pictures to go with the sound. This was so much better than my so-much-smaller, so-much-less-capable and so-much-less-cool fourth-generation model.

So that Christmas I dutifully ponied up $299 to get one … for my wife. And we're still using it today, remarkably, though its battery life isn't what it used to be.

As for its supercool video feature, well, I think we downloaded exactly one video (U2's "Vertigo"). The new iPod's biggest wow-inducing factor, it turned out, was a total non-issue when it came to our real-world usage of it. In the end, it was just another iPod … and wasn't at all different, functionally, from than the one I already had.

In other words: It was nice, but it didn't complete me.

While I like tech toys as much as the next guy, and while I'm not averse to coughing up the cash if I want (need!) something badly enough, and while I'm certainly not anti-technology, and while I really do think it's even cooler than that 2005 video-enabled iPod … I'm not getting an iPhone. Or any other smartphone for that matter. And I'd like to take a few minutes to tell you why...  (Read the whole article)

I'm one of the few guys left that still doesn't have a smart phone.  I just have an old Motorola Razor.  I've wanted an iPhone for a long time but I've been waiting for Verizon to pick it up.  I'm still on the fence, but Adam's article is definitely something to consider.

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Walter
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10 ESSENTIALS FOR THOSE NEW TO RECOVERY FROM SEXUAL SIN

Hey guys, we're going to take a little different road this week.  I had a friend of mine, Jeff, ask if he could contribute an article for the newsletter and my blog.  Considering the age we live in I thought it was very well timed.  I just read an article from Paul Caughlin in an email from Focus on the Family that reminds me that we're all susceptible to the temptations of porn.  Here is a clip from that article:

"Christians aren’t immune. When surveyed, 53% of men
who attended Promise Keeper said they viewed pornography that week. 

More than 45% of Christians admit that pornography is a major problem in their home. 

An anonymous survey conducted recently by Pastors.com reported that 54% of
pastors admitted viewing porn within the last year."
Pornography and Virtual Infidelity

Jeff Fisher from porntopurity.com has a great ministry to those recovering and healing from sexual sin.  There is more info on Jeff after the article.

10 ESSENTIALS FOR THOSE NEW TO RECOVERY FROM SEXUAL SIN

I want to offer some top tips for you who are new to recovery.  These are lessons I’ve had to struggle through in my own recovery, but I find them to be universal with most guys who want freedom from sexual sin.

1.  The quicker you go to counseling the better.
Sexual sin is MUCH bigger than you.  You need wise people around you to help you process your crisis and help you go underneath the surface.  We have been acting out sexually for many reasons.  Counselors know what questions to ask and have worked with may who struggle just like you.  Break the ice on going to a counselor.  Find a Christian counselor who has training in sexual struggles.  It is money well spent!

2.  The quicker you go to a support group the better.
Second only to a counselor, a support group is the best place to find healing and victory over sexual sin.  You need to know you’re not alone.  You need other guys to walk with you in the mud.  You need to learn to come out of isolation and into real relationships.  Support groups do all that and more.

3.  Sexual struggles open the door for God to work in many areas.
At first, we think recovery is only about stopping our sexual behaviors.   But God ends up using your sexual struggles as a springboard to work on many issues in your life.  We are out of wack sexually, but also relationally, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  Expect God to do His good surgery in many areas of your life.

4.  Sex is not your greatest need.
One of the biggest lies we believe is that we can’t live with out sex and that sex is the highest pleasure achievable.  Our greatest needs are in other areas.  We have a deep need to know God.  We have a deep need to know others and to be known by others.  The sooner you understand that it’s not about the orgasm, the further along in recovery you’ll be.  Trust me on this one!

5.  Recovery has little to do with your outward behavior.
This is probably the biggest shocker to me.  I focused on my behaviors for decades and was counseled to do the same.  Our outward sexual behaviors are the tip of the iceburg.  The bulk of our recovery is underneath the surface.  We need healing from wounds.  We need to learn to express our emotions in a healthy way.  We need deep intimate friendships.  We need to learn to be selfless and serve others.  Stopping behaviors is relatively easy.  Healing on the inside takes much more time and effort.

6.  It’s worse than you think.
We are not the best judges of our own sexual health.  We have been blinded to our true condition.  Every sexual struggler in recovery says at some point, “I can’t believe who I used to be and what I used to do.  I was such a different person back then.”  If you’re new to recovery, you can’t see how far off course you are.  You can’t see the erosion that has taken place in your relationships and in your personal life.  Let this soak in:  Jeff tells me I am worse than I think I am. I have more to work on than I realize.

7.  Replacing lies with truth is critical to recovery.
We also can’t see the lies that we have believed.  My counselor reminds me that with every wound there is a lie that I have believed.  It’s not until you start seeing the truth that you will uncover the lies you have believed.  God’s Word will help you with this.  So will counselors, your spouse, your support group, and close friends who know your story.

8.  Work toward full disclosure.
Ooooh.  We don’t like to think about this.  But the sooner you come clean, the better.  Get the help from a counselor on how to come clean and with whom.  Those closest to you need to know.  Your spouse needs to know.  The people you have been directly involved with need to know.  Not every person needs to know every detail, but you need to quit hiding and share the truth.  When you hold onto secrets and hide you walk in the darkness.  God calls us to “walk in the light”.

9.  Pain and suffering are necessary for deep recovery.
There are no shortcuts to recovery.  There are no quick fixes.  You cannot save yourself from pain and suffering.  Breaking free from sexual sin involves challenge, hurt, brokenness, withdrawal and grieving.  You will have to suffer consequences.  You will have to see that your actions have hurt others.  Go for a deep recovery.  The only way for our recovery to go deep is if we let God push his scalpel in and scrape out all of the junk.

10. God is close and wants to bear the burden with you.
As tough as these tips are, I want you to think about this one the most.  You are not alone.  God is here.  He will help you.  He wants your recovery even more than you and He knows how to get there.  You may go through a lot of hard times, but God will always be a strong shoulder you can lean on.  He helps carry us through the toughest of times.  Be encouraged by this.

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Jeff Fisher lives in Raleigh, NC.  He and his wife run the site www.porntopurity.com, a site designed to offer hope, encouragement and resources to those who are affected by sexual sin.  Checkout Jeff’s podcasts on I-Tunes:  Top Tips For Sexual Purity, Top Verses For Sexual Purity, and For Ministers Who Struggle.
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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
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The Pearls

I know what’s going to happen, you guys are going to start reading this and you’ll make it to the second paragraph and figure that it’s one of those cheesy, forwarded emails, and then you’ll stop reading.  Yes, it is one of those cheesy, forwarded emails but read the whole thing. 

The Pearls

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was
almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout
stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls
in a pink foil box.

   "Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy,
please?"

   Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box
and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her
little girl's upturned face.

   "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really
want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in
no time you can save enough money to buy them for
yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might
get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

   As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and
counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than
her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked
Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.
On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar
bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

   Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and
grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school,
kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off
was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother
said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

   Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was
ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and
come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he
finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

   "Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you."

   "Then give me your pearls."

   "Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the
white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail.

Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She's my very
favorite."

   "That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." And he
brushed her cheek with a kiss.

   About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy
asked again, "Do you love me?"

   "Daddy, you know I love you."

   "Then give me your pearls."

   "Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll.

The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you
can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

   "That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one.. Daddy
loves you."

   And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

   A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on
her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style.

   As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one
silent tear rolled down her cheek.

   "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

   Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her
daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl
necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said,
         

   "Here daddy, this is for you."

    With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out
with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the
other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue
velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to
Jenny... He had had them all the time.

   He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so
he could give her the genuine treasure.

   So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give
up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.

   God will never take away something without giving you something
better in its place.

My Two Cents

This was one of those forwarded emails that seem to make it rounds all over the world.  Most of the time I would scan an email like this real quick and then delete it but this one was different.  This one really made me think.

How many times have we substituted God’s best plan with our cheap plan.  Most of us have the same problem as this little girl, we’re impatient and we want instant gratification not realizing there is something better.  Look at Matthew 7:7-11.  We have completely messed this up.  Instead of ask, seek, and knock we just take what we want.  Drugs and alcohol does this by substituting the true healing of a Godly relationship with the instant numbing of the substance.  Porn, in much the same way, substitutes God’s plan of sex with airbrushed images.  It’s so easy to get caught up in what seems right; like working so many hours for our family that we never see our family.  Let’s face it; God’s plan is always better than ours.  When we jump the gun and settle for the cheap pearls we miss out on all the good things that God has for us.  In what ways are you settling for the cheap pearls because your rushing God?  What blessings are you missing out on?  Spend some time in prayer this week and ask God without a time frame in mind.

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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
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I Want to Know What Love Is

If you’re in your late 30’s or early 40’s you’re like me and were a teen in the 80’s.  We were lucky enough with the bands of the 70’s and 80’s.  I mean not just some wimpy teeny-bopper bands like today, but these were some established rock bands that wrote some awesome songs. Many of these bands wrote some great ballads as well. I used to crank this stuff all the time.  That’s what we did, right?  I drove around with my girl friend in my ’68 Chevelle, back when they really were hot rods not just chick cars with subwoofers.  We listened to all those songs and we thought we had it all figured out.

Ok, fast forward a few years and I’m getting married.  Standing at the altar and my soon to be wife walks into the room on the arm of her father, my first thought was “I’m getting married!?!?”  Don’t get me wrong, I was in love with her, I mean I knew all the songs by heart.

Fast forward a few more years.  I’m a married guy and I’m wondering why my wife is upset with me.  Every morning before I left for work I would tell her, “I love you” because I still remembered what it meant.  So what was bugging her?  In 1984 Foreigner released the song “I Want to Know What Love Is”.  Here’s the chorus:

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me.

I was beginning to get the feeling that saying “I love you” was not showing her that I loved her.

The Bible uses three different words for our word love.  Phileo is friendship love, Philadelphia – city of brotherly love.  Next is eros.  This is passion, sexual, or erotic.  Sadly our world has high jacked this and told everyone this is real love.  Soap operas, porn, tv, and movies portray people jumping into bed and say that it’s love.  In God’s plan of marriage first and sex second, eros love is a great thermometer of our relationship, but the world thinks it’s a thermostat.  What I mean is the world thinks if we have great sex our relationship will get better.  The truth is, if your marriage relationship is great you’ll have great sex.  The last, and in my opinion, the greatest love is agape.  This is the self-sacrificing love, the selfless love, the willing to give up our wants to please our spouse.

In Ephesians 5:25, Paul tells us how we are to love our wives, “as Christ loved the church”.  He died for the church, remember?  1 John 3:16 “We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.”  I think that is probably the ultimate in self-sacrificing.  John even tells us that we should be willing to die for the brethren.  We should be agape loving our fellow believers, and I think you could argue all mankind.  Christ didn’t only die for Christians; He died for all.  Here is another part that the world gets wrong, agape love isn’t reciprocal.  It’s not give and take; it’s all give.  Our goal should be to please others.  Paul write for us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”  While we were living against God’s law, he still loved us enough to die.  We can’t “love” our wives according to what she does for us; we are commanded to love our wives because we are to mirror Christ.  This falls into all of our relationships.  We can’t only love our kids when they get good grades or score more points. 

Likewise, I believe that showing agape love towards our neighbors and the world in general is the best way to win them to Christ.  By consisting serving your neighbor he may wonder “why do you shovel my snow even I yell at your kids?”, “what’s so different about you?”.

Agape love is what holds marriages together for 60 years.  Agape love builds long lasting friendships.  Agape love brings people to Christ.

~Walter E. Homan

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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
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Not Returning... 1 Peter 3:7-9

I've  been reading "the Christian Husband" by Bob Lepine.  I was reading this morning and came across 1 Peter 3:7-9. 
7 aYou husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with 1bsomeone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

8 1To sum up, aall of you be harmonious, sympathetic, bbrotherly, ckindhearted, and dhumble in spirit;

9 anot returning evil for evil or binsult for insult, but 1giving a cblessing instead; for dyou were called for the very purpose that you might einherit a blessing.

I have read this at least 20 times before but for some reason this morning it just jumped off the page at me.  Look at vs 9.  Not returning evil for evil, insult for insult but give blessings.  Why didn't I ever see that before.  I know for a fact that I've gotten caught up in "discussions" with my wife and I did not flood her with blessings.  I was doing more of the chucking insult/blame grenades.  I need to keep this in mind the next time.


After I finish the book I will post a full review of it.

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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
Email me!