Culture Challenge of the Week: Underperforming Dads

The following is taken from an email from Rebekah Hagelin's "30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family"

One of the saddest comments I've ever heard came from an embittered college student named Carly: "He's not my dad.  He's just a sperm donor."  

She didn't mean it literally. Her mom and dad were married and had two kids, Carly and a younger brother. But, Carly felt every bit as abandoned as a child who'd never known her father. 

Why? Because her dad was rarely home. He worked hard. But, putting together high-stakes financial deals had always seemed to crowd-out time for ordinary things, like dinner with Carly and her brother. He filled the kids' college funds, but was never there to drive Carly to high school band practice or performances, or help her brother choose the right baseball glove. 

His words of love rang hollow. Years of hurtful neglect -- in spite of material comfort -- had hardened Carly's heart to the point that she didn't care anymore. At least that's what she told herself. 

She'd given up on her father's love.

I thought of Carly's story as I look ahead to Sunday's celebration of Father's Day.  What do kids need most from their dads? 

Research shows clearly how important fathers are in a child's life.  Children raised in homes without a father -- currently about one-third of all U.S. children -- are more likely to be poor, or suffer health problems. They are more likely to underperform in school, get in trouble with the law, and engage in high-risk behaviors (teen sex, drinking, and drugs). But, even children who have a father "present" may experience "father-hunger" -- with consequences for their emotional health, and eventual success in life. 

On the flip side, children whose fathers are emotionally available and responsive fare better as adults than children whose fathers are not.

I asked a seasoned Dad I know for his perspective, and it made sense of Carly's anguish. 

"What kids need from their fathers is their ‘daily bread,'" he said. "Like God -- our Father -- does for us, we need to give our kids what they need to thrive as human beings today, not in some far-off future."

Wise words.  Love must be practical.  Words alone won't feed a child hungry for her "daily bread."     

How to Save Your Family: Be a Provident Dad

A provident dad -- one who provides ‘daily bread' -- inspires trust, affection, gratitude, and love. A child well provided for -- emotionally, spiritually, and physically -- is a child who feels loved. 

So, what does that mean, practically? 

First, "providing well" does not require wealth, nor does it mean fulfilling every wish, or material desire our kids have.

It starts by providing spiritually: pray daily for your children.  If you don't, who will?  Shepherd them firmly, daily, in character growth.  Choose a virtue for your child to work on.  Encourage them as they try to live it, and pray for the wisdom to know which faults to overlook for today.

Second, provide emotionally. Fill their "love tanks" daily, as author Ross Campbell says in his timeless classic, How to Really Love Your Child.  Send a message of love each day by spending one-on-one time, giving physical affection, and making eye contact (with your child, not your smartphone, when your child is speaking).

Third, tend to their daily concerns.  Is the football try-out coming up? Get out there in the 95-degree heat and help your son master a spiral. Do they have a big test tomorrow? Offer to review the material with your daughter; quiz her, or simply tell her you'll pray for her while she takes it.

Fourth, ask other, more experienced dads to share the tips and strategies that have helped them be good dads.  "The Awesome Dad Cheat Sheet" is a great list, written by a father of six, full of practical, time-tested tips to help you be the father your children need.

Finally, just be there. Presence matters.  

You are, after all, irreplaceable.

------

Children need their fathers. And, they need him for more than just teaching how to throw a baseball, or how to bait a hook for fishing. Fathers are there to be spiritual leaders in the household. Just as we look to our Heavenly Father for guidance and comfort, children look to their fathers for the same. However, they can only be that leader when they take an active role in the lives of their children. 

Warmly,

Rebecca

P.S. - If you know someone who would like this message on the role of fathers, please send it to them using the "Forward to a Friend" tool below. You can also encourage them to sign up for their own newsletter at www.HowToSaveYourFamily.com.


Walter's Two Cents

I've been talking to quite a few dads lately and they have been asking me the same thing, "how do I balance everything?"  I don't have the answer!  I suffer from the same thing.  How do I balance my marriage, my family, my ministry, my job?  I DON'T KNOW!!!  The one thing I do know is I have to do it better than I am now.  We all get discouraged thinking we're the worst dad ever.  The best advice I can give is talk to your wife, your kids, and some older Godly men.  If you do have suggestions please share them with the rest of us.

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Walter
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"COURAGEOUS" the Movie - Update & Trailer

I'm still waiting to here the theaters that "Courageous" will be in.  Please keeping checking back.  The trailer looks great, take a look.

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Walter
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Could Marvin Gaye Be Right?

Have you ever noticed that your attitude can affect your whole household?  I’m speaking more to husbands and fathers, but all of our attitudes affect everyone.  When I have a lousy day at work or I come home to screaming kids, how to I react?  Normally scream at everyone and mope around. 

Does it help anyone or any situation when I get angry?  Not normally, it normally goes from bad to worse.  Check out these lyrics.

Anger

By Marvin Gaye 1978

Up and down my back, my spine, in my brain
It injures me, babe....

Anger, can make you old, yes it can
I said anger, can make you sick, children... oh Jesus
Anger destroys your soul
Rage, there's no room for rage in there
There's no room for rage in here
line up some place to go to be mad
It's a sin to treat your body bad

When anger really gets the best of us
We've really lost our heads
We often say a lof of things, oh darlin'
Wish we'd never said
Oh, reason is beyond control
And the things we do spite
Makes me ashamed
And I mean this, baby, makes me want to the things right

Someday soon I hope and pray like Jesus
I'll reach that wiser age
Hope I will learn I really never never profit
From things I do in rage

One more time-anger, more ager
When it's flaming hot
Anger burns to the bitter end
Know what i'm talkin' 'bout
When it cools I find out too late
I have lost at love, love, love, dear friend
I said, anger will make you sick,
children, oh Jesus
Anger destroys your soul

I ain't gonna let you get the best of me, babe
I'm gonna go somewhere and cool
This is not the way my head's supposed to be, babe
You've got me feelin' like some silly fool
But I know a real nice place where I can go
And feel the way I’m supposed to feel

I don't want to be mad at nobody
I don't want to be feelin' bad
Up and down my back, my spine, in my brain
It injures me, babe

Anger, can make you old, yes it can
I said anger will make you sick, children, oh Jesus
Anger destroys your soul
Anger
Anger

It seems to me that Marvin Gaye has a pretty good understanding of the cost of anger.

The funny thing is, it really bothers me when people are angry with me.  I mean why can’t they just show me some mercy?  Oh, mercy!  Maybe I should give that a try myself.  Christ has every reason to be angry with me, yet He freely gives me mercy.  I can’t think of one person who has wronged me as much as I have wronged God.  I guessing that no one has ever gotten an ulcer from mercy either.

God help me to grant as much mercy as you have granted me!

~Walter E. Homan

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Walter
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Passive Husbands are Killing Their Wives

I hope you were able to see Mark Shaw at either Blessed Hope Community Church or Gateway Christian Church in the beginning of April.  Mark i spart of a Christian counceling group in Alabama called Truth in Love Ministries.  To be honest it wasn't what I was expecting but I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I also learned a lot.  Thanks Mark!

I was reading through his blog and found this great article that really hit home with me.  I was a passive husband/father for years until I finally realized what I was doing to me family.  Here's Mark's article:

The epidemic I see most often in biblical marriage counseling cases I am privileged to serve in are passive husbands and assertive wives. The two go hand in hand, unfortunatlely, and I blame the husband for much of this problem (though wives are not totally without some blame).

Most Christian men I counsel in marriage counseling are...(read the rest)

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Walter
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Rest

Rest has different meanings to different people.  To some it’s a get away from work to hiking, biking, paintballing or some other activity.  To others rest is laying in a hammock.  No matter what your definition, we need rest.

I have a laptop so I can be working no matter where I am.  I use a pda so I can be working no matter where I am.  I have a cell phone so I can be working no matter where I am.  Is anyone seeing a pattern here?  It’s good to be active and God commands us to work, but to what degree?  Genesis 2:2 “By the seventh day God completed His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done.”  God rested!  If I’m looking at this right, the Creator of the universe put aside His busy schedule and rested.  What are we doing that is so important that we can’t rest? 

Insert your own list here. 

Here’s mine:

·      Work at work

·      Work at building my own business

·      Work at church

·      Work on my house

·      Work at being a better dad

·      Work at being a better husband

Here’s the really sad part, this is the order that they came to my mind.  I think I have some priority issues.

Work is good.  Work provides for our families.  Work helps society.  Work helps ministries.  Work fights idle hands that would wonder into sin. 

Too much work drains us.  Too much work puts our marriages and families at risk.  Too much work puts our health at risk.  Too much work messes up our priorities.  Too much work makes us weak against Satan’s temptings.

What would happen if we didn't sleep?

A good way to understand the role of sleep is to look at what would happen if we didn't sleep. Lack of sleep has serious effects on our brain's ability to function. If you've ever pulled an all-nighter, you'll be familiar with the following after-effects: grumpiness, grogginess, irritability and forgetfulness. After just one night without sleep, concentration becomes more difficult and attention span shortens considerably.

With continued lack of sufficient sleep, the part of the brain that controls language, memory, planning and sense of time is severely affected, practically shutting down. In fact, 17 hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol level of 0.05% (two glasses of wine). This is the legal drink driving limit in the UK.

Research also shows that sleep-deprived individuals often have difficulty in responding to rapidly changing situations and making rational judgments. In real life situations, the consequences are grave and lack of sleep is said to have been be a contributory factor to a number of international disasters such as Exxon Valdez, Chernobyl, Three Mile Island and the Challenger shuttle explosion.

Sleep deprivation not only has a major impact on cognitive functioning but also on emotional and physical health. Disorders such as sleep apnoea which result in excessive daytime sleepiness have been linked to stress and high blood pressure. Research has also suggested that sleep loss may increase the risk of obesity because chemicals and hormones that play a key role in controlling appetite and weight gain are released during sleep.

(The Science of Sleep, BBC, http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/articles/whatissleep.shtml)

I think God knocked me down a few pegs this week.  I just couldn’t function.  I ended up with a high fever and my body just shut down until I got the rest I needed to recover. 

Ecc. 5:12 “The sleep of the working man is pleasant…”

~Walter E. Homan

I Want to Know What Love Is

If you’re in your late 30’s or early 40’s you’re like me and were a teen in the 80’s.  We were lucky enough with the bands of the 70’s and 80’s.  I mean not just some wimpy teeny-bopper bands like today, but these were some established rock bands that wrote some awesome songs. Many of these bands wrote some great ballads as well. I used to crank this stuff all the time.  That’s what we did, right?  I drove around with my girl friend in my ’68 Chevelle, back when they really were hot rods not just chick cars with subwoofers.  We listened to all those songs and we thought we had it all figured out.

Ok, fast forward a few years and I’m getting married.  Standing at the altar and my soon to be wife walks into the room on the arm of her father, my first thought was “I’m getting married!?!?”  Don’t get me wrong, I was in love with her, I mean I knew all the songs by heart.

Fast forward a few more years.  I’m a married guy and I’m wondering why my wife is upset with me.  Every morning before I left for work I would tell her, “I love you” because I still remembered what it meant.  So what was bugging her?  In 1984 Foreigner released the song “I Want to Know What Love Is”.  Here’s the chorus:

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me.

I was beginning to get the feeling that saying “I love you” was not showing her that I loved her.

The Bible uses three different words for our word love.  Phileo is friendship love, Philadelphia – city of brotherly love.  Next is eros.  This is passion, sexual, or erotic.  Sadly our world has high jacked this and told everyone this is real love.  Soap operas, porn, tv, and movies portray people jumping into bed and say that it’s love.  In God’s plan of marriage first and sex second, eros love is a great thermometer of our relationship, but the world thinks it’s a thermostat.  What I mean is the world thinks if we have great sex our relationship will get better.  The truth is, if your marriage relationship is great you’ll have great sex.  The last, and in my opinion, the greatest love is agape.  This is the self-sacrificing love, the selfless love, the willing to give up our wants to please our spouse.

In Ephesians 5:25, Paul tells us how we are to love our wives, “as Christ loved the church”.  He died for the church, remember?  1 John 3:16 “We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.”  I think that is probably the ultimate in self-sacrificing.  John even tells us that we should be willing to die for the brethren.  We should be agape loving our fellow believers, and I think you could argue all mankind.  Christ didn’t only die for Christians; He died for all.  Here is another part that the world gets wrong, agape love isn’t reciprocal.  It’s not give and take; it’s all give.  Our goal should be to please others.  Paul write for us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”  While we were living against God’s law, he still loved us enough to die.  We can’t “love” our wives according to what she does for us; we are commanded to love our wives because we are to mirror Christ.  This falls into all of our relationships.  We can’t only love our kids when they get good grades or score more points. 

Likewise, I believe that showing agape love towards our neighbors and the world in general is the best way to win them to Christ.  By consisting serving your neighbor he may wonder “why do you shovel my snow even I yell at your kids?”, “what’s so different about you?”.

Agape love is what holds marriages together for 60 years.  Agape love builds long lasting friendships.  Agape love brings people to Christ.

~Walter E. Homan

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Walter
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End Your Season Well

I read this morning and it reminded me of how we have so many eyes on us. We need to guard our integrity, temptation is all around and it takes on many shapes.

Post from:  http://www.christianitytoday.com/moi/2011/001/february/4.4.html

End Your Season Well
Theme of the week: A Hunter's Guide to Holiness
Friday, February 4, 2011

Key Bible Verse: for I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ's return. (Philippians 1:10) Dig Deeper: Philippians 1:9-11

The old fellow stood at the fence and looked longingly at the huge deer that had just jumped it. As if tempting him to shoot, the buck stood there for what seemed like forever and then ran away.

"Why didn't you take the shot, Gramps?" the young hunter asked.

The seasoned hunter remained motionless, looking toward the one that got away. Then he spoke softly. "Boy, you know me better than that. And you know very well that the land on the other side of this fence is off limits."

The grandson grew very quiet as his grandfather continued. "Young man, I've been around for a lot of years and managed to build a pretty good reputation for being on the up-and-up when it comes to following the rules. I'm not about to let an old buck tempt me into messing up now. I'm too close to the end of my season for such foolishness."

No shots were fired that day, but a great harvest took place in the boy's heart. He learned firsthand what integrity looks like. If he imitated what was personified in the life of his gramps, the young man would do well in and out of the woods.

—Steve Chapman in A Look at Life from a Deer Stand Devotional

My Response: When I am tempted to "break the rules," I will stop and evaluate the impact the decision would have on myself and others.

Thought to Apply: You must bless the church and the world by your holiness, or you will curse them both by your hypocrisy and inconsistency.—Charles Spurgeon (British preacher)

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Walter
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God’s Job Description for Men - Prophet Priest and King Series / Part 2 - A Godly Man’s Role as Priest

This week we are going to look our role as priest, no robe required.  The priests of the Old Testament had two major responsibilities: leading worship and interceding for the people.

In the modern church we immediately hear “leading worship” and we think of a song leader.  That certainly is part of it.  How did the priests lead worship?  Lets take a look at a few examples: Noah (Gen. 8:20), Abraham (12:7; 13:4), Isaac (26:25), Jacob (31:54), and Job (Job 1:5).  These men led their family in worship by building an altar and offering a sacrifice.  The reason for sacrifice varied.  Some were offered in thanksgiving, some for first fruits, and some were for to ask forgiveness of sins against God law. 

Easton’s Bible Dictionary describes it as “homage rendered to God”.  Now we can’t offer sacrifices in the same manner that they did but we can still offer them with same spirit.  In what ways can we offer homage?  Music?  Have you ever paid attention to the words of worship songs?  Several of them are love songs to God.  Have you ever lead your family in worship music?  As much as I love music, I don’t think I’ve ever done that.  How about prayer?  When you’ve benefited from God’s grace have you led your family in thankful worship?  God wants to hear from us.  I used to pray the same ”blessing” at every meal.  Ready, here it is “God is great, God is good, now we thank you for this food, amen.”  Now how’s that first deep meaningful prayer?  We get stuck in a rut of speaking christianese to impress who?  God?  I’ve since learned that we need to be real and teach our kids to be real in front of God.  I believe we need speak to God and as would talk to our closest friend.  It’s also incredibly important that we do this in front of our kids and others that look up to us.  They need to see that this is a real relationship.  For some reason we breakout in to old English and we God seem so distant.  We need to get rid of the “thy’s” and “thou’s” out of our prayers.  Our praise and worship has to be real, not rehearsed, not to impress other, just genuine.

As priests we have another responsibility, that of intercessor for our families.  An intercessor is a go between, someone that petitions a higher power on behalf of a lesser power.  Jesus is our intercessor, 1 Timothy 2:5-6 For there is one God, and one mediator also between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, 6 who ^agave Himself as a ransom for all, the testimony given at the proper time.  John 17 gives us an example of what an intercessor should do.  In this chapter Jesus make six different requests or petitions to God.  My Bible titles this the High Priestly Prayer.

1.     Vs. 1, that He(Jesus) would glorify God.  Are we praying that we and our family and friends are glorifying God?

2.     Vs. 3, that others/desciples would know God.  In Phil 1:9, Paul prays that the Philipians would grow in knowledge.   We need to be praying for our families spiritual knowledge.  How to they learn?  It’s our responsibility to provide them with ways to grow.  Family devotions, taking them to church, and talking about the things of God are all ways for them to learn.

3.     Vs. 11, that they would be keep them by his power.  The NIV uses the word protect for keep.  We need to not only pray for their physical safety, but also for their spiritual.  If Satan can’t get us, he will surly go for our kids.

4.     Vs. 17, sanctify them in truth.  We need to be praying for purity for our families and us.  Guys you know as well as I do how easy it would be take just click on that link.  What can our kids access?

5.      Vs. 23, unity.  Unity in church as well as at home.  Do your kids ever fight?  How about you and your wife.

6.     Vs. 24, continual relationship.  I forget what the statistic was exactly but I households where the father takes the family to church, I think it was close to 70% stayed in church compared to 20% were the father didn’t go.

We all pray for safety and grades but are we praying for the deeper things?  Single guys you aren’t off the hook.  You can be praying for all of these things for you families and friends.  Let’s make it a point to get out of the rut and get into some deep conversations with God and brings our loved ones needs with us.

~Walter E. Homan

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Walter
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10 Ways to know you are a reactive parent

Post from:  http://www.strategicdads.com/archives/848

By braxtonbrady | Published: December 28, 2010

I think that our culture is moving so fast that we have become a generation of reactive parents instead of proactive. So how do you know if you are being more reactive than proactive? Here are ten ways that will give you a pretty good indication if you lean more towards reactive parenting than proactive.
Reactive Parents

1. Have not had an intentional conversation in the last month about how they are doing with preparing their son/daughter to launch into their next season of life.
2. Do not have a list of life ready skills they want their kids to know before they leave for college.
3. Have given the duty of discipling their children to  a church, school, or other organization.
4. Say no without giving consideration to the question asked.
5. Put their kids in the proverbial “protective bubble” when they do not fully understand the issues or struggles ahead.
6. Have not read anything about current issues with kids in the last six months.
7. Do not have a clear vision of godly manhood or womanhood and no plans to cast that vision anytime soon.
8. Do not have scheduled, uninterrupted time with each child doing something that they love to do.
9. Do not take opportunities to teach their children about the message that culture is sending them and how that differs from true greatness.
10. Are more concerned with behavior modification than what’s going in their child’s heart.

Which way are you leaning? May we all take time to be proactive and cast vision for our kids on what it means to be a godly man and godly woman in our culture today.

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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
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