10 ESSENTIALS FOR THOSE NEW TO RECOVERY FROM SEXUAL SIN

Hey guys, we're going to take a little different road this week.  I had a friend of mine, Jeff, ask if he could contribute an article for the newsletter and my blog.  Considering the age we live in I thought it was very well timed.  I just read an article from Paul Caughlin in an email from Focus on the Family that reminds me that we're all susceptible to the temptations of porn.  Here is a clip from that article:

"Christians aren’t immune. When surveyed, 53% of men
who attended Promise Keeper said they viewed pornography that week. 

More than 45% of Christians admit that pornography is a major problem in their home. 

An anonymous survey conducted recently by Pastors.com reported that 54% of
pastors admitted viewing porn within the last year."
Pornography and Virtual Infidelity

Jeff Fisher from porntopurity.com has a great ministry to those recovering and healing from sexual sin.  There is more info on Jeff after the article.

10 ESSENTIALS FOR THOSE NEW TO RECOVERY FROM SEXUAL SIN

I want to offer some top tips for you who are new to recovery.  These are lessons I’ve had to struggle through in my own recovery, but I find them to be universal with most guys who want freedom from sexual sin.

1.  The quicker you go to counseling the better.
Sexual sin is MUCH bigger than you.  You need wise people around you to help you process your crisis and help you go underneath the surface.  We have been acting out sexually for many reasons.  Counselors know what questions to ask and have worked with may who struggle just like you.  Break the ice on going to a counselor.  Find a Christian counselor who has training in sexual struggles.  It is money well spent!

2.  The quicker you go to a support group the better.
Second only to a counselor, a support group is the best place to find healing and victory over sexual sin.  You need to know you’re not alone.  You need other guys to walk with you in the mud.  You need to learn to come out of isolation and into real relationships.  Support groups do all that and more.

3.  Sexual struggles open the door for God to work in many areas.
At first, we think recovery is only about stopping our sexual behaviors.   But God ends up using your sexual struggles as a springboard to work on many issues in your life.  We are out of wack sexually, but also relationally, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  Expect God to do His good surgery in many areas of your life.

4.  Sex is not your greatest need.
One of the biggest lies we believe is that we can’t live with out sex and that sex is the highest pleasure achievable.  Our greatest needs are in other areas.  We have a deep need to know God.  We have a deep need to know others and to be known by others.  The sooner you understand that it’s not about the orgasm, the further along in recovery you’ll be.  Trust me on this one!

5.  Recovery has little to do with your outward behavior.
This is probably the biggest shocker to me.  I focused on my behaviors for decades and was counseled to do the same.  Our outward sexual behaviors are the tip of the iceburg.  The bulk of our recovery is underneath the surface.  We need healing from wounds.  We need to learn to express our emotions in a healthy way.  We need deep intimate friendships.  We need to learn to be selfless and serve others.  Stopping behaviors is relatively easy.  Healing on the inside takes much more time and effort.

6.  It’s worse than you think.
We are not the best judges of our own sexual health.  We have been blinded to our true condition.  Every sexual struggler in recovery says at some point, “I can’t believe who I used to be and what I used to do.  I was such a different person back then.”  If you’re new to recovery, you can’t see how far off course you are.  You can’t see the erosion that has taken place in your relationships and in your personal life.  Let this soak in:  Jeff tells me I am worse than I think I am. I have more to work on than I realize.

7.  Replacing lies with truth is critical to recovery.
We also can’t see the lies that we have believed.  My counselor reminds me that with every wound there is a lie that I have believed.  It’s not until you start seeing the truth that you will uncover the lies you have believed.  God’s Word will help you with this.  So will counselors, your spouse, your support group, and close friends who know your story.

8.  Work toward full disclosure.
Ooooh.  We don’t like to think about this.  But the sooner you come clean, the better.  Get the help from a counselor on how to come clean and with whom.  Those closest to you need to know.  Your spouse needs to know.  The people you have been directly involved with need to know.  Not every person needs to know every detail, but you need to quit hiding and share the truth.  When you hold onto secrets and hide you walk in the darkness.  God calls us to “walk in the light”.

9.  Pain and suffering are necessary for deep recovery.
There are no shortcuts to recovery.  There are no quick fixes.  You cannot save yourself from pain and suffering.  Breaking free from sexual sin involves challenge, hurt, brokenness, withdrawal and grieving.  You will have to suffer consequences.  You will have to see that your actions have hurt others.  Go for a deep recovery.  The only way for our recovery to go deep is if we let God push his scalpel in and scrape out all of the junk.

10. God is close and wants to bear the burden with you.
As tough as these tips are, I want you to think about this one the most.  You are not alone.  God is here.  He will help you.  He wants your recovery even more than you and He knows how to get there.  You may go through a lot of hard times, but God will always be a strong shoulder you can lean on.  He helps carry us through the toughest of times.  Be encouraged by this.

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Jeff Fisher lives in Raleigh, NC.  He and his wife run the site www.porntopurity.com, a site designed to offer hope, encouragement and resources to those who are affected by sexual sin.  Checkout Jeff’s podcasts on I-Tunes:  Top Tips For Sexual Purity, Top Verses For Sexual Purity, and For Ministers Who Struggle.
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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
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The Pearls

I know what’s going to happen, you guys are going to start reading this and you’ll make it to the second paragraph and figure that it’s one of those cheesy, forwarded emails, and then you’ll stop reading.  Yes, it is one of those cheesy, forwarded emails but read the whole thing. 

The Pearls

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was
almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout
stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls
in a pink foil box.

   "Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy,
please?"

   Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box
and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her
little girl's upturned face.

   "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really
want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in
no time you can save enough money to buy them for
yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might
get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

   As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and
counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than
her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked
Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.
On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar
bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

   Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and
grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school,
kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off
was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother
said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

   Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was
ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and
come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he
finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

   "Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you."

   "Then give me your pearls."

   "Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the
white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail.

Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She's my very
favorite."

   "That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." And he
brushed her cheek with a kiss.

   About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy
asked again, "Do you love me?"

   "Daddy, you know I love you."

   "Then give me your pearls."

   "Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll.

The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you
can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

   "That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one.. Daddy
loves you."

   And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

   A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on
her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style.

   As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one
silent tear rolled down her cheek.

   "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

   Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her
daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl
necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said,
         

   "Here daddy, this is for you."

    With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out
with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the
other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue
velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to
Jenny... He had had them all the time.

   He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so
he could give her the genuine treasure.

   So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give
up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.

   God will never take away something without giving you something
better in its place.

My Two Cents

This was one of those forwarded emails that seem to make it rounds all over the world.  Most of the time I would scan an email like this real quick and then delete it but this one was different.  This one really made me think.

How many times have we substituted God’s best plan with our cheap plan.  Most of us have the same problem as this little girl, we’re impatient and we want instant gratification not realizing there is something better.  Look at Matthew 7:7-11.  We have completely messed this up.  Instead of ask, seek, and knock we just take what we want.  Drugs and alcohol does this by substituting the true healing of a Godly relationship with the instant numbing of the substance.  Porn, in much the same way, substitutes God’s plan of sex with airbrushed images.  It’s so easy to get caught up in what seems right; like working so many hours for our family that we never see our family.  Let’s face it; God’s plan is always better than ours.  When we jump the gun and settle for the cheap pearls we miss out on all the good things that God has for us.  In what ways are you settling for the cheap pearls because your rushing God?  What blessings are you missing out on?  Spend some time in prayer this week and ask God without a time frame in mind.

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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
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I Want to Know What Love Is

If you’re in your late 30’s or early 40’s you’re like me and were a teen in the 80’s.  We were lucky enough with the bands of the 70’s and 80’s.  I mean not just some wimpy teeny-bopper bands like today, but these were some established rock bands that wrote some awesome songs. Many of these bands wrote some great ballads as well. I used to crank this stuff all the time.  That’s what we did, right?  I drove around with my girl friend in my ’68 Chevelle, back when they really were hot rods not just chick cars with subwoofers.  We listened to all those songs and we thought we had it all figured out.

Ok, fast forward a few years and I’m getting married.  Standing at the altar and my soon to be wife walks into the room on the arm of her father, my first thought was “I’m getting married!?!?”  Don’t get me wrong, I was in love with her, I mean I knew all the songs by heart.

Fast forward a few more years.  I’m a married guy and I’m wondering why my wife is upset with me.  Every morning before I left for work I would tell her, “I love you” because I still remembered what it meant.  So what was bugging her?  In 1984 Foreigner released the song “I Want to Know What Love Is”.  Here’s the chorus:

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me.

I was beginning to get the feeling that saying “I love you” was not showing her that I loved her.

The Bible uses three different words for our word love.  Phileo is friendship love, Philadelphia – city of brotherly love.  Next is eros.  This is passion, sexual, or erotic.  Sadly our world has high jacked this and told everyone this is real love.  Soap operas, porn, tv, and movies portray people jumping into bed and say that it’s love.  In God’s plan of marriage first and sex second, eros love is a great thermometer of our relationship, but the world thinks it’s a thermostat.  What I mean is the world thinks if we have great sex our relationship will get better.  The truth is, if your marriage relationship is great you’ll have great sex.  The last, and in my opinion, the greatest love is agape.  This is the self-sacrificing love, the selfless love, the willing to give up our wants to please our spouse.

In Ephesians 5:25, Paul tells us how we are to love our wives, “as Christ loved the church”.  He died for the church, remember?  1 John 3:16 “We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.”  I think that is probably the ultimate in self-sacrificing.  John even tells us that we should be willing to die for the brethren.  We should be agape loving our fellow believers, and I think you could argue all mankind.  Christ didn’t only die for Christians; He died for all.  Here is another part that the world gets wrong, agape love isn’t reciprocal.  It’s not give and take; it’s all give.  Our goal should be to please others.  Paul write for us in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”  While we were living against God’s law, he still loved us enough to die.  We can’t “love” our wives according to what she does for us; we are commanded to love our wives because we are to mirror Christ.  This falls into all of our relationships.  We can’t only love our kids when they get good grades or score more points. 

Likewise, I believe that showing agape love towards our neighbors and the world in general is the best way to win them to Christ.  By consisting serving your neighbor he may wonder “why do you shovel my snow even I yell at your kids?”, “what’s so different about you?”.

Agape love is what holds marriages together for 60 years.  Agape love builds long lasting friendships.  Agape love brings people to Christ.

~Walter E. Homan

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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
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Not Returning... 1 Peter 3:7-9

I've  been reading "the Christian Husband" by Bob Lepine.  I was reading this morning and came across 1 Peter 3:7-9. 
7 aYou husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with 1bsomeone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

8 1To sum up, aall of you be harmonious, sympathetic, bbrotherly, ckindhearted, and dhumble in spirit;

9 anot returning evil for evil or binsult for insult, but 1giving a cblessing instead; for dyou were called for the very purpose that you might einherit a blessing.

I have read this at least 20 times before but for some reason this morning it just jumped off the page at me.  Look at vs 9.  Not returning evil for evil, insult for insult but give blessings.  Why didn't I ever see that before.  I know for a fact that I've gotten caught up in "discussions" with my wife and I did not flood her with blessings.  I was doing more of the chucking insult/blame grenades.  I need to keep this in mind the next time.


After I finish the book I will post a full review of it.

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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
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Let's Hang Our Camo In The Closet And Only Use It When We're In The Wild

A Daily Study of God's Word for Christian Sportsmen February 4, 2011

Today's Photograph . . . . Let's Hang Our Camo In The Closet And Only Use It When We're In The Wild (MQ) Bible Study Verse Matthew 26:73-74 After a little while, those standing there went up to Peter and said, "Surely you are one of them, for your accent gives you away." Then he began to call down curses on himself and he swore to them, "I don't know the man!" (NIV) Thoughts I couldn't have been any closer. The big eight-point buck was less than two feet away! As he stepped slightly behind me, he caught my scent and was gone, leaving only my heart pounding in my chest. What a rush! I had been squirrel hunting in Northeast Arkansas when the encounter happened. I was sitting on the ground just on the edge of a power line right-of- way. Thanks to my excellent camouflage, the buck didn't see me as he patrolled the highline. The wind was perfect and he came right up to me. Had it not been for good wind direction and my good camouflage clothing, this encounter would have never happened. (Brian H) Action Point Man! There is nothing like a good set of camouflage hunting clothes. It's helpful, it's functional, and it's even been made decorative in today's culture. Let's face it, camo is in! However, there's a type of camouflage that's not good at all. The camouflage that Christians put on in order to blend in. We're so afraid of being recognized and ridiculed that we're like Peter around the fire. "Hey, I don't know Him!" We've become masters of blending in to the point that it actually surprises people when they find out that we are Christians. How sad a testimony to our Savior this is. OK, sportsmen around the world, let's hang our camouflage in the closet and only use it when we're in the wild. When we're out in the world, let's make it our purpose to NOT blend in. Let's make it our purpose to stand out like a light on a hill - a lighthouse that prevents our world from totally crashing and burning on the rocks of sin and eternal punishment. There are encounters for God that will never happen as long as we're blending in so well that the world thinks we're one of them. God bless you, friend, as you strive to stand out!!!

Sportsmen's Tip of the Day Add a tiny drop or two of mineral oil and a light dusting of salt to your rubber tube jigs and plastic artificial baits to keep them from melting in the summer heat and sticking together. The salt adds a bit of flavor to them as well.

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Man Up Men! Live Christlike!
Walter
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